Silence

I might have mentioned that I get devotional emails from Proverbs 31 during the week (sorry for repeating myself).  Today it was about silencing our souls.  I thought it was an odd title until I started reading.  The key verse was Psalm 131:2a which says, "But I have calmed and quieted my soul." (ESV).  The person writing the devotional mentioned how when she was a child the teachers would comment that if she wouldn't talk so much she would learn more.  I used to get the comment she disturbs her neighbors because I would talk to them when I was finished with my work.  The author also mentioned who she talks to much to God, pointing out how she thinks he should answer her prayers. 

I have the problem that I can't focus when I pray.  My heart and head get so full of stuff that I lose track of what I am saying and get distracted by thoughts and external forces (cats).  I want to be able to silence my soul before God.  I want to be open to what He has to say to me.  Of late I find my mind going every which way with no focus.  There are so many things I want to accomplish and things that I want to do.  People I want to get to know better.  My heart yearns for quiet and commotion all at the same time.

Right now I am struggling with a heart full of fear and anger.  I got a call from my sister (the last remaining of my immediate family).  She is in the hospital.  She had surgery removing her gallbladder and something with her colon,  My sister is not the most concise person so details are kind of iffy.  She mentioned she will have to have more surgery.  I love her, she is my sister, but we don't know each other very well because she left home when I was between 5-6 and our family didn't get to see her much.  She handles her life so differently than I do and it frustrates me to no end.  My fear is that something will happen and she won't survive whatever is going on (she is 65).  My anger is because her stupid husband is probably the cause of the infection that caused her current issues.  He has mental problem (schizophrenia) and was taking meat out of the freezer and putting it in a cooler on the porch.  They live in Georgia so that isn't exactly a smart move.  He didn't put the meat back as fast as he should have and my sister contracted E coli.  They had a hard time getting it under control and she was still suffering after affects from that when this other infection started.  So my anger is aimed at him and at her for putting up with the jerk. 

I am praying about my feelings and getting overwhelmed with everything that is going through my head.  There are also changes coming up in the next month or so that I am trying not to deal with.  My neighbors are moving.  Big deal right!  Well it is!  I have become very close to them and will miss them a lot.  My heart is thinking GREAT ANOTHER LOSS.  So this thing with my sister is making everything else so out of proportion.  Our weekly Grow Group / Bible Study is over for the summer and  am having a hard time with that too!  Part of me is afraid that the leaders might decide to give up the group next year.  Why?  I have no idea. why I would think that, but there it is in my head.  Sometimes I wish I could just give myself a stern talking to, but I probably wouldn't listen anyway. 

So silencing my soul right now would be a good thing.  A suggestion was made at the end of the devotional to spend five minutes in silence with God for five days. Beginning by repeating the verse in Psalms I mentioned above.   I am going to give it a try.  It sure can't hurt anything.