Grief

I have started attending a class on grief provided by our church.  I have only been to one class, but what an emotional one it was.  It is hard to deal with grief, especially when you have others that come and go in your life that question why you are still dealing with it.  I have come to realize that those people that say things like "Get over it already" or "You should be feeling better by now": either haven't suffered the loss of a loved one or haven't dealt with it themselves and we are a reflection of what they are feeling and they don't want to deal with it.

I have dealt with alot of loss.  My dad died in 87 and there was alot of unresolved feelings on my part that I had to try and cope with it.  In 2000 my mom died.  Her loss crippled my sister to the point that I had to move back home to live with her.  Her lack of being able to cope didn't allow me to grieve because I was always taking care of her.  I was close to my sister and sometimes this put stress on our relationship.  Most recently, July 4th of 2010, my sister died.  I was devastated.  She was living with us at the time and Dean and I had no clue that she was as sick as she was.  She had cancer that had spread and she didn't even show any symptoms until a few weeks before we found out.  Well I take that back she complained of gas pains that wouldn't go away, but that was nothing new for her.  So her loss was very overwhelming for me.  I still ache for the emptiness that she left behind.  I have another sister, but we are not close.  When I try and talk to her about Dee she starts saying mean things about her and it makes me angry so we don't talk about it at all.

I am hoping this class will give me the tools I will need to cope with the losses I have already have, and help me cope alot better with the ones that will be coming.  

A Change of Heart by Nancy Frederick

Annabeth is not in a good place in her life. She has just found out that her husband doesn't want to be with her anymore. He has been acting odd lately, not himself. Annabeth figured that something might be wrong with the business, she never dreamed that he wanted to end the marriage. What will she do, what kind of job is she qualified for. She doesn't realize that her painting could lead to something great, because no one ever told her it was worth something. Annabeth is on a journey of discovery where she will have a change of heart.

I only gave this two stars. It started out pretty good until I hit about halfway. All of a sudden this well developed character start having indiscriminate sex with a stranger and a married man, especially when she had recently discovered that RJ was not faithful to her. I am not a fan of sex scenes in books especially long drawn out ones. One reason I don't read romance novels. I could have dealt with it if it hadn't seemed like such a cheap way to develop the story. Take out the sex stuff and it was a well written story. I like the way Annabeth came into her own and stood on her own two feet and met the man of her dreams.

It was sort of a disappointment. glad that I didn't pay good money for it.

Feeling Trapped

From Proverbs 31 Ministries

Feeling Trapped by Glynnis Whitwer

“Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.” Psalm 107:13 (NIV)

Feeling trapped, with no way out, is a horrible place to be. I know. I’ve been there several times in the past few years.

When the housing market crashed in my hometown, our family-owned consulting firm almost crashed along with it. Contracts were canceled, potential jobs shriveled, credit maxed and investments bombed. Most of the trouble was out of our control, but some was from our unwise decisions.

One month dragged into another. Some weeks we barely squeaked by. I didn’t lose my faith in God’s provision, as He took care of our basic needs. But His timing to pull us out of the depths of our trouble was not mine. I cried out for a quick fix; He had another plan.

Before help came, God let us sit in the mess for a long time. In fact, we had to sit in a place of helplessness for longer than we wanted. All of our previous abilities to help ourselves were gone. Places that had previously been willing to extend a helping hand weren’t able to help. At times it felt like we had been abandoned. Was it because of something we had done? Maybe our unwise choices? Questions abounded.

But then God stepped in. And because we’d been sitting in that mess so long, our gratitude doubled. We clearly saw His hand at work. In hindsight, if we’d been able to help ourselves, we would have patted ourselves on the backs at our cleverness. Now, God gets all the glory.

You may be trapped right now and wondering if God will rescue you. Maybe you’ve made bad choices. Perhaps you have disqualified yourself from being saved. If that’s you, then I’ve got good news. No matter if your situation is of your own making or someone else’s, God cares and has a plan to save you.

Psalm 107 sings this truth. In this amazing passage we learn of God’s faithfulness to people in all kinds of difficult places: deserts, darkness and the foolishness of their deeds. Yet no matter where they were or what they had done, when they cried to God, He heard them. And He hears us today.

This Psalm isn’t just literature. It’s a message from the faithful of old, to the faithful of today. It was captured in writing so that when we feel lost, trapped, overwhelmed and afraid, we would read it and believe … believe that the God who brought deliverance then, will do so today.

Here’s just a portion of that scripture. When you have time, please read the entire passage. Psalm 107:10-13 (NIV):

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness, prisoners suffering in iron chains, because they rebelled against God’s commands and despised the plans of the Most High. So he subjected them to bitter labor; they stumbled, and there was no one to help. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress.

God specializes in rescuing the trapped – no matter how they got there. He did it for me and He will do it for you.

Dear Lord, You alone know the fullness of my desperate situation. You know how trapped I feel right now. I haven’t done everything perfectly, and I confess my rebellious ways. Lord, You said if we called out to You in our distress, You would answer. So I’m calling out now. Please help. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

He is There

From a Proverbs 31 devotional

Jesus is there waiting for us to come to Him.

He is there when we’re going through the motions, aware of what needs to be done, but unaware of how we’re going to do it.

He is there when we can’t stop criticizing ourselves for blowing it the day before; when we go to work and wonder why we’re even there.

He is there during endless days filled with diapers and laundry, wondering if we’ll ever find meaning in the monotony.

He is there when we come home to an empty house and wonder why we don’t have a family, or come home to a teenager who belittle us and a husband who ignores us.

Jesus sees our hearts and knows the pain of our loneliness, disappointment and rejection. Today He is pursuing us, inviting us to come to Him to receive the perfect love He offers — love that is patient and kind, love that keeps no record of wrongs, love that won’t give up on us.

Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, will you stop and talk to Him? And then, will you quiet your thoughts so you can listen to His?

Dear Lord, thank You for pursuing me. I want to know and rely on the love You have for me, and live in the security of it! When I feel afraid, insignificant or alone today, help me turn to You and remember You are there! In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Stir It Up

I subscribe to Proverbs 31 Ministries on Facebook and I get a devotional sent to my email everyday.  This is one was by Marybeth Whalen.  She was talking about how if you don't stir up a cup of coffee after putting sugar in it it doesn't get mixed in and that all the ingredients of your faith can be there, but if things don't get stirred up you can get stuck and not grow to your full potential. 

I feel that God has really stirred me up since Dean and I have moved to Oregon and started attending church.  Our local body of believers is so wonderful.  I have learned so much from them and feel that God is really showing me where there are things that I need to change.  I started a Journal today for the upteenth millionth time.  But this time I think it will be different.  I am going to use it as letters/prayers to God.  I want to be able to look back and see what God has taught me.

Dear Lord, when I am feeling stirred up, help me to think of it as You working Your sweetness into me, as You preventing me from becoming stuck. I want to move forward with You and become what You have in mind. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Kane and Abel (Kane and Abel #1) by Jeffrey Archer

Two men born on the same day. Very different experiences. One was brought up in a life of privilege in America the other was taken in by a poor family in Poland. Both were strong competitors, striving for something more. The paths of these men have crossed several times during their lifetimes. One began to hate the other. Would they be able to overcome this hatred before tragedy strikes.

I really enjoyed this book. I don't remember having read it before, but as I was reading I started to be able to tell what was going to happen next. Not like figuring out a mystery kind of way. But like when you reread something that you have already read and just don't remember what happens until you start to read it again.

I didn't mind that at all. Majority of it was fresh and even those parts that I remember clearly were just as fun to read. I really like this authors style. I know I have more of his books in my list of things I want to read.

Easter!

When I was young Easter meant a new dress, shoes and maybe a hat.  It also meant a basket with colorful grass and candy.  Usually a chocolate bunny, malted milk ball eggs and jelly beans (minus the black ones).  It meant going out to church where everyone was dressed so pretty.  We also used to go out to eat somewhere nice (probably a brunch).  Life seemed so simple back then.  Boy did miss the boat about what this holiday was really about. 

My Savior died on the cross and on this holiday we celebrate His resurrection.  He died for me!  He took my place.  I didn't deserve it my any means.  No one does!  He loved me so much that He put his life on the line so that I could have a brighter future in Him.  I will spend my eternity with Him in heaven.  What a wonderful legacy my parents gave me by taking me to church.

I know I am still not perfect, far from it.   God doesn't see my imperfections.  He has made me perfect, created in His image!  I am a new creation.  A beloved child of God!  When I think about what God has done for me by sending His son to die for my sins - I wonder how many people would lay down their lives for someone who doesn't deserve it.

Since we have been attending church (a great church!!) God has really been working on my heart and spirit.  He has been showing me things that I have known for a long time, but drastically needed reminding of.  He has made old things new and shown me things that I sort of knew - but now I understand more completely. 

I can't wait until tomorrow!  I am so looking forward to celebrating my Saviors resurrection with my church family.  He is Risen!!  Amen!!

The Drop (Harry Bosch Series #16) by Michael Connelly

Harry Bosch, a member of the Open Unsolved division, has just been handed a case. It is unusual because the DNA hit that came back on this particular case goes back to someone who would have been eight-years-old at the time. And if that isn't enough he is being asked to work an active case. The son of Councilman Irving was found dead, an apparent suicide. Bosch is asked to take the case to determine whether it was really suicide or murder.

Running both cases could prove to be a challenge for Bosch and his partner. Will these cases put Bosch over the edge causing him to retire.

I liked this installment in the Harry Bosch series. The two cases were kept separate and were easy to follow and it was well written as always.

Antiques Roadkill (A Trash 'n' Treasure Mystery #1) by Barbara Allan

Brandy heads home to live with mom after her divorce is final. Her mother needs someone to kind of keep an eye on her and make sure she is taking her medication. When she arrives home she finds out that a local antique dealer had swindled her mom out of many of her antiques, taking advantage of her during one of her spells.

Brandy confronts the man at a Red Hat Society event. Shortly after that confrontation the antique dealer winds up dead and Brandy's mom is a suspect. When things start hitting closer to home, Brandy is determined to help the police find out who also wants her dead.

I really liked this story. I love the narrative style and the little asides that the author gives from the characters perspective. I have the next one in the series already and look forward to reading the others in the series.

Fun read!

Remembering a dear Friend

I just found out today that someone I was close to passed away.  I haven't seen or heard from her in a long time.  We lost track of each other over the years.  We were in the singles group at our church and as a group spent may fun hours together being silly and just having a good time.  I am feeling at a loss because I don't know what happened to her.  All I know is that she is gone.  How does that happen?  I know it is impossible to keep track of everyone you have known.  That would be a job in and of itself.  And why do I feel the need to know why she is gone.  Will that make the outcome different?  Will it change what her family is going through?  No to both.  I guess I want to know so I can better understand how someone I knew who was about the same age, give or take alittle, is now not here anymore.  It bring a whole new perspective to your own mortality and what is important in life.

I have had this happen once before only on a slightly bigger scale.  Not very long after my 35th birthday I experienced another big reality check.  One of my co-workers that I was very close to, came home to find her husband had died.  He was 35.  Another dear friend of mine from church lost her husband during the night and he was also 35.  Kind of a scary realization that two people the same age as you are gone.  Hit me like a ton of bricks.  Made me due a bit of spiritual inventory.  I wanted to make sure that I didn't leave something unsaid.  I wanted to mend fences and make sure I was right in my walk with God and with my family and friends. 

My thoughts and prayers are with Dan, the kids and the rest of the extended family.  I pray that God will give you peace and that the pain of her absence will ease with time.  She was a beautiful child of God and will be sorely missed.